Rapunzel

Characters: 11 principal roles & 8 featured adult chorus roles
Running Time: Approx 2hrs 15mins

 

The action is set in Beetlefoot Forest and a little town called Sleepy Head in the Kingdom of Snoozing. 

Deep in the heart of a dark forest, stands a lonely tower, home to Rapunzel, a beautiful young woman with impossibly long hair. She dreams of exploring the big, wide world she has read about in her books but has been imprisoned in the tower and forbidden to leave by her strict Aunt Grimelda, a selfish and vain witch. Even the witch’s kindly servants, Hilda Hogwash and Tilly, are unable to persuade their mistress to free Rapunzel.

However, one morning, while Grimelda is away on her travels, a handsome prince known as Lysander stumbles across Rapunzel in her tower and they fall helplessly in love at first sight. Prince Lysander vows to rescue Rapunzel and promises to return the next day with equipment so her can save her.

Meanwhile, in the nearby town of Sleepy Head, Swindell’s Travelling Circus has just arrived. Always ready to amaze audiences with an array of curiosities and wonders from across the world, when they hear tales of a secret girl with golden, magical hair hidden in the forest, they set off to find her so she can be added to their collection. 

For more information and prices please contact me here.   A sample of this script is available here.

 

Character List

Rapunzel, a beautiful young woman with long, magical hair
Mistress Grimelda Hemlock, her guardian and a wicked witch
Dame Hilda Hogwash, the witch’s housekeeper and cook
Tilly Dilly-Dally, the witch’s maid and odd job woman
Lysander, a suitably handsome and heroic prince
Wormsley, his loyal manservant
Rufus Bluster, the Mayor of Sleepy Head
Apricot Crumble, his secretary
Leopold Swindell, the Ringmaster and owner of Swindell’s Travelling Circus
Hernia Swindell, his sister and ‘bearded’ lady
Madame Fortuna, a fortune teller with a secret
Alfredo Blaze, a short-sighted knife thrower
Flossie Flinch, his nervous assistant
Stella Spangle, one of the trapeze sisters
Stacy Spangle, the other trapeze sister
Mrs Gigglebottom, a grumpy clown in charge of an all-female clown troupe 
Dizzy Lizzy, a clown
Dozy Rosy, another clown
Hercules Hurricane, the strongman
Townsfolk, Circus Performers, weather spirits and Gertrude the gorilla

Aladdin

Characters: 14 featured roles, principals & supporting + junior chorus
Running Time: Approx 2hrs 15mins

 

The action is set in the East Peking suburb of Flung-Dung, the Western hills of China and desert plains of Egypt. 

 

Wicked magician Abanazar has ambitions to become the greatest sorcerer of all time and, with knowledge of a powerful genie trapped inside an old oil lamp, somewhere in an enchanted cave in the Western Hills of China, he sets off on a quest to claim it.

 

But first he must find a young lad known as Aladdin who lives with his mother, Widow Twankey, at their family run laundry in Peking. Aladdin is the chosen one and only he can open the enchanted cave within which the lamp lies. However, the young lad isn’t interested in lamps he’s too busy avoiding arrest by Inspector Lau Zee and his hapless police force for fraternising with the beautiful Princess Ki-Lee. 

For more information and prices please contact me here.   A sample of this script is available here.

 

Character List

Aladdin, our hero 
Wishee Washee, his sister 
Widow Twankey (Lolita), their mother 
The Genie of the Lamp, an enchanted spirit
The Spirit of the Ring, a magical being
Abanazar, a villainous magician 
Donkor, his slave 
Jameela, a camel 
Princess Ki-Lee, our heroine 
The Empress Pang Ting, her regal Grandmother 
Felicity Upmore-Stoppidge, an English Governess to the Royal children 
Inspector Lau Zee, a Chinese Officer, head of Palace security 
PC Du Wan, his assistant 
The Royal Children, Jewel Spirits & Statues, Egyptian Mummies

Puss in Boots

Characters: 15 featured roles, principals & supporting + junior chorus
Running Time: Approx 2hrs 20mins

 

The action is set in and around a village called Loose End in the Kingdom of Codswallop.  

With nowhere to live and not a penny to his name, Tom and his pet cat are feeling low. Luckily for them, Tom’s best friend Treacle persuades her mum to take on a lodger and soon they are happily settled at Dame Victoria Sponge’s pet pamper parlour. Tom’s luck continues to change for the better when he meets the beautiful Princess Adele and they fall in love.

Nothing seems to be able to spoil this happiness until the evil ogre Lord Grimguts, who is terrorising the kingdom, has the Princess kidnapped. Tom must save the day but not without the help of his newly enchanted cat – the one and only Puss in Boots!

For more information and prices please contact me here.   A sample of this script is available here.

 

Character List

Tom Merridew, a charming and handsome young man down on his luck
Puss, his faithful cat
Dame Victoria Sponge, glamorous proprietor of the local pet pamper parlour
Treacle Sponge, Dame Sponge’s daughter and Tom’s best friend
Lord Grimguts, an evil ogre 
Uriah Kreepe, personal assistant and private secretary to Lord Grimguts
Dipsey, Uriah’s dim-witted head henchman
Mudflap, Dipsey’s silent second-in-command
Bunion, the hunchbacked head servant to Lord Grimguts
King Archibald, the reluctant ruler of Codswallop
Princess Adele, his spirited youngest daughter
Baroness Von Flytrapp, an arrogant socialite and noblewoman
Valentine Von Flytrapp, her spoilt son
Fairy Poppins, a magical being
Bobby Dazzler, head stylist at Dame Sponge’s Pet Pamper Parlour
Marjory Manners, Mother Oak to the Woodland Wanderers
Police Constable World, the local ‘bobby on the beat’ 
Woodland Wanderers, street cats, castle creatures. 

Jack & The Beanstalk

Characters: 15 featured roles, principals and supporting + junior chorus
Running Time: Approx 2hrs 15mins

 

The action is set in and around a town called Flummox in the Kingdom of Bamboozle and the magical realm in the sky known as Cloudland.  

The Trott family live a happy, carefree life until ruthless television executive Ammonia Splinter sacks Dame Trott and Jack from their jobs at Sunshine TV Studios. It isn’t long before they find themselves without a penny to their name and they reluctantly decide to sell the beloved family pet Daisy the cow to earn some money.

However, when Jack’s brother Simon returns from market with the news that he has exchanged the cow for nothing but a bag of beans, the situation looks hopeless and, in a temper, Dame Trott hurls the beans out of the window. In the morning, a ginormous beanstalk is growing in their garden and Jack, encouraged by trainee fairy Rosie Glow, climbs up into the clouds closely followed by his mother, brother and a film crew from Sunshine TV. 

For more information and prices please contact me here.   A sample of this script is available here.

 

Character List

Jack Trott, the fearless and intrepid hero of our story

Dame Tallulah Trott, Jack’s outrageously extravagant mother 

Simon Trott, Jack’s sweet and silly older brother

Daisy the Cow, the Trott faithful family pet

Ammonia Splinter, the hard-faced executive producer of Sunshine TV

Jill Splinter, Ammonia’s lovely daughter and Jack’s girlfriend

Charles Toupée, an arrogant and snide newsreader on Sunshine TV News

Mitsy Twinkle, Charles’ vivacious and preening counterpart on the newsdesk

Bernie Bragmore, the dithering egotist who directs Sunshine TV News

Samantha Grin, the tenacious roving reporter on Sunshine TV News

Septimus Fleshcreep, the Giant’s vile and contemptible henchman 

Rosie Glow, a ready, willing but not very able trainee fairy

Giant Blunderbore, a sinister tyrant who terrorises the Kingdom of Bamboozle

Delia Fishmould, the foul and nasty cook at the Giant’s Castle 

Myrtle Turtle, a miserable but kindly elderly maid working for the Giant

Chicken, a rather talkative and anxious hen

Village Children: Edward, Jennifer, Lucy, Abigail, George, Emma, Thomas, Billie, Pip, Robin, Jamie, Charlie

Television crew: Camera man, sound man, make-up artist, etc

Assorted Giant Bugs

Assorted Villagers

Sleeping Beauty

Characters: 16 featured roles, principals and supporting + junior Chorus
Running Time: Approx 2hrs 15mins

 

The action is set at King Humphrey’s Palace and in a village called Much Belching in the Kingdom of Dyspepsia. 

The peace and tranquillity in the kingdom of Dyspepsia is shattered as Queen Esmerelda’s screams echo around the maternity ward of the palace hospital. The beautiful baby Princess Adora is born and looks set to have an idyllic life until she is cursed by evil fairy Dark Ada.

As Adora’s twenty first birthday approaches, the Royal household prepare to protect their beloved Princess from pricking her finger and falling to sleep for one hundred years. But with Nurse Nellie causing chaos on the dance floor and a horse rampaging through the hospital wards, will anyone notice Pimpleworm the goblin luring Adora to her fate?

For more information and prices please contact me here.   A sample of this script is available here.

 

Character List

King Humphrey, the nervous and bumbling ruler of the Kingdom of Dyspepsia

Queen Esmeralda, his flashy and frivolous wife

Princess Adora, their only child and our ‘sleeping beauty’

Prince Vincent, our handsome and charming hero 

Rupert, a pantomime horse and the Prince’s faithful companion

Nurse Nellie Nightingale, Adora’s outrageous nurse and nanny

Jemima Jolly, Adora’s bodyguard and best friend

Sir Alistair Blunt, the pompous and efficient Lord Chamberlain 

Sammy Snivel, the miserable court jester

Doctor Wilbur Goodblood, Chief Medic in the palace hospital

Matron Henrietta Clench, the stern and brusque Matron

Nurse Phillipa Fibia, a sharp and efficient member of the nursing team

Nurse Trixie Tibia, another nurse, enthusiastic but scatterbrained

Fairy Bliss, a good fairy and principal of a fairy finishing school

Dark Ada, a bad fairy and the our villain

Pimpleworm, a goblin and Dark Ada’s loyal servant

Junior Chorus: 

Sebastian, Francessca, Eleanor, Charlotte – Royal Children 

Edwin, Victoria, Juliet, Arthur young Adora’s Friends

Jacob, Anna, Isabelle, Alice, Madeleine, Rosie, Harriet, Clara, Georgina, Sam, Alex, Peter village children

Blossom, Whisper, Moonbeam, Ember, Silvermist, Melody – fairies

Mudgrub, Bogfungus, Sourwart goblins

Mother Goose

Characters: 20 featured roles, principals & supporting (doubling possible) + junior Chorus
Running Time: Approx 2hrs 15mins

 

The action is set in and around a village called Uphill Struggle, a realm of magic known as Enchantia and on Planet Gander in a galaxy far away.  

All is not well in Uphill Struggle. The WI ladies are falling out over plans for the May Fair, all the Morris Dancers have two left feet and Mother Goose has got money worries. Poor Gloria is rapidly running out of cash and is under threat of eviction from her little cottage. Luckily good Fairy Collywobbles decides to send the Goose family a gift of a magical goose called Priscilla who has the ability to lay golden eggs.

Suddenly life couldn’t be richer for the Gloria but something is still missing in her life; a man maybe, or even beauty? Lord Malignum the demon king couldn’t agree more and sets about tempting the dear, vulnerable lady with the promise of eternal youth and good looks. 

For more information and prices please contact me here.   A sample of this script is available here.

 

Character List

Mother Goose (Gloria), the dame 
Primrose, her daughter 
Tulip, her second daughter 
Priscilla, their pet goose 
Professor Whimsey, an inventor & neighbour to the Gooses 
Squire Skinflint (Clarence), Mother Goose’s landlord 
Colin, his son 
Malcolm Powder, a bailiff 
Bert Toast, his assistance 
Fairy Collywobbles, a good fairy 
Lord Malignum, the Demon King 
Hilda Bunting, chairperson of the WI 
Mavis Doyley, the secretary of the WI 
Miss Prim, an outspoken member of the WI 
Miss Proper, her equally outspoken friend 
Mrs Chutney, WI member 
Mrs Tombola, WI member 
Spirit of the Fountain 
King Goosequill, King of Gooseland  
Goosepimple, his lord Chamberlain 

The Frog Price

Characters: 16 featured roles, principals and supporting
Running Time: Approx 2hrs 15mins

 

The action is set in and around a town called Little Twinge in the Kingdom of Aching.  

After venturing into a mysterious woodland known as Fangthorn Forest, Prince Justin encounters a wicked witch called Repugna Coldfinger who, for purposes of her own, turns the unfortunate Royal into a frog. Escaping from his captures, the Frog Prince meets the forgetful Fairy Dewdrop, and although she cannot break the curse, she tries to counteract the magic by casting a spell to help him. She tells him all he needs is one kiss from a princess to transform him back – however the princess must not know that he is really a human prince or the spell will fail and he will remain a frog forever.

Meanwhile Dame Dotty Trotter has problems of her own, as she and her unruly staff attempt to secure a catering contract for the upcoming Diamond Jubilee of King Montgomery against rival restaurateur Cordelia Glitch. 

For more information and prices please contact me here.   A sample of this script is available here.

 

Character List

King Montgomery, ruler of the Kingdom of Aching, has reigned for 50 years
Princess Angelica, his youngest and most spoiled daughter, eager to marry
Prince Justin, a prospective suitor for Angelica from the Kingdom of Flimflam 
Repugna Coldfinger, a cunning and power-hungry witch 
Hogbog, a troll-pig hybrid, Repugna’s loyal servant and familiar
Dotty Trotter, proprietor of Dot’s Diner & leader of the Belly Busters
Jimmy Jamms, Dame Dotty’s nephew and chef at Dot’s Diner
April Showers, Jimmy’s best friend and waitress at Dot’s Diner
Cordelia Glitch, manager of rival restaurant, Cordelia’s
Jean-Pierre Flambé, award winning chef at Cordelia’s 
Fairy Dewdrop, a kind-hearted woodland nymph in Fangthorn Forest
Stretch Pilates, an extreme fitness instructor
Townsfolk and members of local diet group, the Belly Busters: 
Miss Sternly, school mistress 
Miss Belcher, shoe shop owner
Trisha Fisher, hairdresser
Mrs Rummage, sweet shop owner

Cinderella

Characters: 15 featured roles, principals & supporting + junior chorus
Running Time: Approx 2hrs 15mins

 

The action is set in and around a village called Turnbottom Round in the Kingdom of Harmonia.

 

When the palace announces they are going to hold a ball in honour of Prince Charming, there is great excitement at Hardup Hotel. The Baroness wants one of her two daughters, the outrageous sisters Hilaria and Hysterium, to catch the Prince’s eye and become his betrothed. Her stepdaughter, Cinderella, is also desperate to attend so she can escape the drudgery of her life for just one night.

 

Wicked to her core, Baroness Hardup forbids Cinderella from going, and her father is too preoccupied hiding from the Broker’s men to even notice. However, with the help of her Fairy Godmother and her best friend, Buttons, Cinderella shall go to the ball. With six white mice, two frogs, a pumpkin and a liberal sprinkling of magic, Cinderella soon finds herself arriving at the palace in style. But will she get to dance with the Prince before the stroke of midnight?

For more information and prices please contact me here.   A sample of this script is available here.

 

Character List

Cinderella, a kind-hearted and virtuous young woman
Buttons, bellboy at Hardup Hotel and Cinderella’s best friend
Baron Hardup, an impoverished nobleman and Cinderella’s father
Baroness Hardup, Cinderella’s wicked stepmother
Hilaria, the Baroness’s rude and obnoxious eldest daughter
Hysterium, the Baroness’s impertinent and foul youngest daughter
Prince Charming, the most eligible bachelor in the Kingdom
Dandini, the Prince’s efficient Valet and confidant 
Fairy Moonbeam, Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother
Carbuncle Slugrot, a bad fairy serving Community Service
Stan Dupp, an incompetent Broker’s man
Sid Down, his dim-witted assistant
Queen Henrietta, the elderly Dowager Queen of Harmonia
Adam Upright, a pompous Lord Chamberlain
Susie Sparkle, a manager of exclusive, glamorous events
A rat
Six white mice
Two frogs
Woodland sprites and animals
Village children
Palace servants
Ball Entertainers

Dick Whittington

Characters: 14 featured roles, principals & supporting + junior chorus
Running Time: Approx 2hrs 15mins

 

The action is set in old London town, on board the good ship Queen Camilla and on the enchanted desert island of Napoodle.  

London is well and truly infested with rodents, so when Dick Whittington and Tommy the Cat arrive in London to seek their fortune they decide to turn their hand (and paw) to pest control at Alderman Fitzwarren’s business warehouse and the little schoolroom run by his daughter, where dinner lady Sarah Stewpot torments pupils with her revolting culinary concoctions.

But with world domination on his mind, King Rat can’t risk Dick ruining his plans and frames him for theft. However, our young hero and his feline friend won’t give up without a fight and follow the Fitzwarren household as they take to the high seas on the good Queen Camilla under the command of hapless Captain Plunger. 

For more information and prices please contact me here.   A sample of this script is available here.

 

Character List

Dick Whittington, a clever and charming young man seeking his fortune
Tommy, his faithful cat
Sarah Stewpot, loud and flamboyant cook and housekeeper to the Fitzwarrens
Idle Jack, Sarah’s cheerful and cheeky nephew
Alice Fitzwarren, a kind hearted and plucky young women
Alderman Fitzwarren, Alice’s fussy and bumbling father
Fiona Funnypenny, the Alderman’s highly efficient financial secretary 
Queen Rat, a power-hungry villainous rodent, ruler of the all the world’s rats
Fester, Queen Rat’s incompetent hench-rat
Squirm, Fester’s dim-witted assistant
Fairy Glitz, a sensational and dazzling magical being
Fairy Glamour, her equally fabulous companion
Horatio Plunger, the completely clueless Captain of the Queen Camilla
The Emperor of Napoodle, a whimsical eccentric
London Street urchins, school children, rats, monkeys

Sample Script_Robin Hood

All rights reserved: Kei Bailey [www.keibailey.co.uk]

 

Robin Hood & the Babes in the Wood

 

SCENE THREE: MUCH-CHIPPING-ON-THE-ENAMEL VILLAGE SQUARE

FULL SET: A PICTURESQUE VILLAGE SCENE WITH AN OLD-FASHIONED WISHING WELL, COBBLED STREETS AND QUAINT THATCHED STONE COTTAGES, A FEW WITH SIGNS TO INDICATE A BUSINESS OR TWO LIKE THE BLACKSMITH AND AN OLD TAVERN CALLED THE NOBODY INN. 

Enter Robin Hood, a daring and rather dashing hero who oozes with charm. He slaps his thigh and strikes a heroic pose. 

ROBIN: (To the audience) I am Robin Hood. I bet you were wondering when I was going to show up. This is the village of Much-Chipping-On-The-Enamel, on the edge of Sherwood Forest. I shouldn’t really be here, out in the open, but this is where my beloved Maid Marian lives and I was desperate to see her. 

Enter Maid Marian, a sassy and smart independent woman. 

MARIAN: (Surprised) Robin! What are you doing here? 

ROBIN: (Taking her hand) Marian, I just had to see you.

MARIAN: Are you mad? What if the Sheriff of Nottingham sees you? He’s just arrived in the village with the children.

ROBIN: I don’t care! Every moment I am parted from you I am in agony. 

MARIAN: Not as much agony as you’d be in if the Sheriff has you thrown into his torture chamber. Why are you not in disguise?

ROBIN: There wasn’t time. It was spur of the moment – I needed to see your face. (Presenting a flower) And to give you this. 

MARIAN: Oh Robin. You’re so sweet. 

ROBIN: Marian, come and live with me in the forest. 

MARIAN: You know I can’t do that, not at the moment. Not whilst Hansel and Gretel are living at the Manor with the Sheriff. He doesn’t treat them kindly – I must watch over them. 

ROBIN: But they have Nanny to do that.

MARIAN: I know but she can’t be there for them all the time. 

ROBIN: The children can come and live in the forest with us. We’d look after them.

MARIAN: However mean and nasty the Sheriff is, we can’t just take the children away. He is a distant relative and became their legal guardian when their parents died. 

SHERIFF: (From offstage) Stop whinging, the pair of you! I am not getting you one.

MARIAN: (To Robin) That’s the Sheriff now. You’ve got to get out of here.

ROBIN: Very well. Until next time my love.

Exit Robin

MARIAN: Farewell my sweet.

Enter the Sheriff of Nottingham, a greedy, vain and conniving man wearing black clothes to compliment his black heart. With him are Hansel, a mischievous boy, and Gretel, a clever girl. 

HANSEL: Please Uncle!

SHERIFF: For the last time, I am not getting you an ice cream. They are too expensive. Besides only good children deserve treats. 

GRETEL: But we have been good.

SHERIFF: Good? Pah! You’ve been chatting and bickering all morning. Good children should be seen and not heard. 

MARIAN: Good morning Hansel! Good morning Gretel!

SHERIFF: Ah! The beauteous Maid Marian. How are you this fine morning?

MARIAN: I was doing ok until you came along.

SHERIFF: (Giggling) Oh! I do like a woman with a sense of humour.

MARIAN: Yes, they’d need one. 

SHERIFF: I was wondering what you were doing this evening. Perhaps you’d like to come over to my Manor House and join me in a spot of supper.

MARIAN: No, thanks. I’m washing my hair. Anyway, I’ve got a boyfriend.

SHERIFF: If you mean that odious outlaw Robin Hood, you won’t be with him much longer. My men are on his trail and once he’s been captured, I’ll have him executed. After a month or two of torture naturally. 

MARIAN: You’ll never catch Robin Hood. He’s too smart for you. 

SHERIFF: We’ll see, Maid Marian, we’ll see. Right, well, if you won’t dine with me this evening, there are dozens of eligible ladies in this village who won’t be able to resist my devilishly handsome good looks. 

MARIAN: Don’t kid yourself. You look like a bullfrog with wind.

SHERIFF: I’ve often been likened to Brad Pitt. 

MARIAN: Surely not in daylight. Anyway, it’s not all about appearance, having a warm personality and kind soul is much more important. 

SHERIFF: I do have those attributes. I’m a very caring and generous individual. The children will tell you that, won’t you?

The Sheriff turns to Hansel and Gretel who remain silent.

SHERIFF: Tell Maid Marian how caring and generous I am.

Hansel and Gretel still remain silent.

SHERIFF: If you don’t tell her how caring and generous I am, I’ll have you flogged and locked in your bedchamber for a week. 

GRETEL: But you said children should be seen and not heard.

SHERIFF: I give you permission to speak.

HANSEL: Oh great! That means I can tell a joke. What did Robin Hood say at archery practice when he nearly got hit? That was an arrow escape. 

SHERIFF: That’s a rubbish joke.

HANSEL: It’s not.

SHERIFF: It is.

HANSEL: It’s not.

SHERIFF: It is.

HANSEL: It’s not. (Picking his nose) Look! Snot.

Hansel wipes his finger on the Sheriff, then runs off laughing with Gretel. 

SHERIFF: Just wait ‘til I get my hands on you!

The Sheriff chases after them angrily. Maid Marian follows in an attempt to calm him down. Enter Clara Loft, a bubbly and bouncy woman who lives life to the full. 

CLARA: (To the audience) Hi everyone! Welcome to Much Chipping. Pleased to me you all. My name is Clara Loft. What’s yours? (Audience response) Hey, you haven’t seen the Sheriff of Nottingham around, have you? (Audience response) Phew! I’m pleased I didn’t bump into him. I’m trying to have a break. You see I’m a servant at his country retreat, Bedside Manor, here in the village, and I can’t stand him. He’s really mean and ‘orrible. Nobody likes him in the whole county ‘cos he’s responsible for collecting tax for Prince John. Everyone’s skint ‘cos he keeps introducing more ridiculous taxes. Last month he said he was going to tax everyone with blocked up noses. Can you believe it? He’s called it the Congestion Charge. Anyway, hopefully I won’t be working for the Sheriff much longer ‘cos I’m going to join Robin Hood and become one of his Merry Men. Ok, I know there’s a couple of things that might get in my way but I’m keen and strong and fit and healthy. I just need to toughen up a bit ‘cos sometimes I can be too soft. Sometimes I have to tell myself, Clara Loft, don’t be soft. In fact, you lot could help me out. Every time I shout, Clara Loft’, I want you to shout back ‘Don’t be soft!’ Shall we have a go?

Call and response routine with audience

CLARA: Fabulous! Do it like that every time! (Looking offstage) Ooh! Here comes Nanny Mangle. She’s looks after the children at the Manor where I work. 

Enter Nanny Mangle, flirty, flippant and frivolous with an undeniable sense of fun. She is pulling a shopping trolley bag and reading a long shopping list. 

NANNY: Ah! There you are Clara. Where have you been? You’re supposed to be helping me with the shopping. We haven’t got all day. 

CLARA: I really needed a wee.

NANNY: For goodness sake, you always need a wee.

CLARA: That’s not true.

NANNY: It is true! Last week you even had a wee in the swimming pool.

CLARA: Everyone wees in the swimming pool now and then.

NANNY: Not from the ten-metre high diving board. 

CLARA: Well, you’ve found me now. What do you want me to do? Do you want me to pop to Mr Belcher’s farm shop?  

NANNY: It’s not open today. His pigs are poorly – they’ve lost their voices.

CLARA: Oh dear! I bet they’re disgruntled.

NANNY: (Taking out an egg box) I had to get these from Aldi. Do you know eggs are going up again?

CLARA: That’ll surprise a few chickens. Ha, ha! I’m full of jokes today. 

NANNY: You’re full of something. Why are you showing off? Is your mother in the audience? (Looking into the audience) Is that her? The one wearing the bin-liner?

CLARA: (Looking out) No, that’s Flossie Golightly from Great Hale. 

NANNY: So, it is! You’re looking lovely, dear. It must be the lighting. I like your outfit, dear. I used to make my own clothes too! What fabric is that?

CLARA: Looks like acrylic to me.

NANNY: Isn’t that a protected animal? (Looking out) No dear, seriously, you look fabulous. You were very wise to remove the curtain rings. 

CLARA: Shouldn’t we get a move on if we’ve still got shopping to do?

NANNY: You’re right. I haven’t got time to be stood here gossiping to the likes of her. I’ve got a very tight schedule.

CLARA: I thought you were walking funny.

NANNY: Come on, let’s get to Sainsburys and see what bargains we can bag. They’ll have just put the bins out. 

CLARA: Shall we nip to the pub on route for a swift half?

NANNY: Now, you’re talking. (To the audience) Laters alligators!

Exit Nanny Mangle and Clara. Enter Hernia Septic, a nasty old hag with poor manners and dubious personal hygiene. Halfway through eating a sandwich, she sniffs her armpits, or scratches her backside, or both. She is soon joined by Weasel, her grotty, dim-witted nephew. 

WEASEL: (Excitedly) Auntie! Auntie! You never guess what?

HERNIA: I ‘ope this is important. You know I don’t like to be disturbed when I’m eatin’.

WEASEL: Something’s ‘appened at the bus stop.

HERNIA: At the bus stop? What is it?

WEASEL: It’s a place where you catch a bus.

HERNIA: I know that, y’fool. I mean what’s ‘appened?

WEASEL: I’ve just seen Robin Hood. 

HERNIA: Are ya sure? 

WEASEL: Ooh yes! I’d know ‘im anywhere. I’ve seen his face on all them wanted posters.

SHERIFF: (Poking his head on stage) Psssst!

HERNIA: I most certainly am not. I’ve only ‘ad a couple in the dressing room.

SHERIFF: (Entering) Did I hear mention of Robin Hood?

HERNIA: You shouldn’t be listenin’ to our conversation. Have you no morals?

SHERIFF: No.

HERNIA: Then you’re my kinda bloke. Allow me to introduce m’self, I am Hernia Septic and this is Weasel, me nephew. So, we was talkin’ about Robin Hood, what’s it to you?

SHERIFF: Do you know who I am?

HERNIA: Why? ‘Ave you forgotten?

WEASEL: It’s probably written on the label in your underpants . . . Do you want me to ‘ave a look?

SHERIFF: I am the Sheriff of Nottingham, and I am willing to pay handsomely for anyone who can trap Robin Hood and bring him to me.

HERNIA: (Moving in more closely) How much are we talkin’?

SHERIFF: Please, not too close. You’re making my eyes water. You smell like a sumo-wrestler’s laundry basket.

HERNIA: (Stepping back) Well, how much?

SHERIFF: More than you can ever imagine.

HERNIA: I dunno. I’ve got a good imagination. How ‘bout a little advance?

SHERIFF: Very well. (Holding out a pouch of coins) Will this do?

HERNIA: (Taking the money) That’ll do nicely. 

SHERIFF: However now you have the money, you must not fail. Capture Robin Hood or else!

WEASEL: We’ll get both. (To Hernia) You catch Robin Hood, I’ll get Else. 

SHERIFF: If you don’t capture him, I’ll cut off your heads.

WEASEL: (Indignant) If you cut my ‘ead off, I’ll never talk to you again. 

HERNIA: Take no notice of ‘im, sire. He was built upside down.

SHERIFF: Built upside down?

HERNIA: Yeah, ‘is nose runs and ‘is feet smell. And they left a big gap between his ears. 

SHERIFF: I must go now. Fail me not. 

Exit Sheriff. Hernia looks gleefully at the money. Weasel tries to peer into the bag but she slaps his wrist. 

SCENE FOUR: SOMEWHERE IN SHERWOOD FOREST

FRONT CLOTH: AS IN ACT ONE, SCENE TWO

Enter Robin Hood, followed by Will Scarlet, a stylish and health conscious man who can be a little timid and anxious. 

ROBIN: So Will, how are you settling into camp?

WILL: It’s taking a bit of getting used to. I haven’t been camping for years. The last time I went, I set fire to my pyjamas. 

ROBIN: Set fire to your pyjamas?

WILL: Yes – the heat was in tents. I’m sure I’ll become accustomed to living without the little comforts . . . eventually.

ROBIN: Well, you have running water.

WILL: Yes . . . down the walls every time it rains. And I’ve discovered a very large hole in my sleeping bag.

ROBIN: That explains why you’ve been losing so much sleep.

WILL: Also, the walls are so thin when Friar Tuck peels an onion, I start crying.

ROBIN: Anyway Will, you’ve been with the Merry Men now for over a month so it’s time you learnt how to handle a bow and arrow. 

WILL: (Nervously) Oh goodness. Are you sure? Is it really necessary?

ROBIN: Of course, it is. What if you need to hold up a rich merchant travelling through Sherwood Forest? Remember we steal from the rich . . . 

WILL: That makes sense. The poor haven’t got anything worth taking. 

ROBIN: (Demonstrating) Ok, this is how you hold your bow and arrow. You have a go. 

WILL: (Attempting) I’m not finding this easy. I have a very weak wrist. 

ROBIN: Yes, it is a bit limp. But you’re doing fine. That’s it. Right, now you say . . . Stick your hands up, this is a hold up, give me your money . . . 

WILL: How are they supposed to give you their money with their hands up?

ROBIN: Just say it. Then fire your arrow. 

WILL: Er . . . ok . . . er . . . Hold hands, this is a money up, give me your sticks!

Will shoots his arrow offstage. There is a flying arrow sound effect, followed by a duff, squawk and thump.

WILL: Ouch! I’ve just broken a nail.  

ROBIN: And shot a pigeon. Try again.

Will shoots another arrow offstage. There is a flying arrow sound effect, followed by a duff, squeak and thump sound effect.

ROBIN: You got a squirrel that time. Have one more go and try not to hit anything this time!

Will shoots another arrow offstage. There is a flying arrow sound effect, followed by a duff and a yell of pain from Friar Tuck. 

ROBIN: Whoops! (Calling offstage) Sorry Friar Tuck.

Enter Friar Tuck, a jolly monk with a large appetite. He has an arrow sticking in his bottom. 

FRIAR: (Good humoured) Ow. That stung a bit. 

WILL: I’m so sorry. I was practising my bow and arrow technique. 

FRIAR: Don’t worry, Will. I was bent over collecting herbs. I should have been paying more attention – the forest is a dangerous place.

WILL: You’re not wrong there. I stubbed my toe on a hedgehog last night. 

FRIAR: (To Robin) How’s he doing, Robin? 

ROBIN: So far, he’s shot a pigeon and a squirrel.

FRIAR: Well, at least we won’t go hungry. Maybe he could shoot something larger next time. (To Will) How would you feel about hunting bear? 

WILL: Ooh no! I’d always want to wear my clothes. 

Enter Little John, a lovable tough guy with more brawn than brains. 

FRIAR: Squirrel for supper, Little John.

JOHN: Ha ha! Very funny! You know I’m a vegetarian.

FRIAR: Salad it is then. 

JOHN: Well the joke’s on you, Friar Tuck, ‘cos you won’t be able to cook it – we’ve run out of wood!

WILL: What do you mean? (Indicating his surroundings) What’s this? 

JOHN: A forest. 

WILL: So where do we get more wood from?

JOHN: Er . . . I dunno. A wood shop?

WILL: (Pointing at a tree) What is that?

JOHN: A finger? 

WILL: Little John, how long have you lived in Sherwood Forest?

JOHN: All my life.

FRIAR: He was brought up by a family of badgers. 

Enter Fairy May, she is agitated. 

ROBIN: Hello Fairy May.

FAIRY: Oh Robin! There you are. I’ve been looking for you everywhere. We might have a spot of bother on our hands. 

ROBIN: Have no fear, the Merry Men are here!

Robin and his team shout ‘Hurrah!’, slap their thighs and strike heroic poses. 

FAIRY: There’s been rumblings at Gingerbread Cottage. 

JOHN: I’m not surprised – all the rhubarb crumble she eats. 

FAIRY: Word in the forest is that strange magic is in the air and Caramella Marchpane might be up to no good, but we’re not sure what yet. We just need to be alert and keep our eyes peeled.

FRIAR: I’ll get my ear to the ground. 

JOHN: (Kneeling down) So will I! 

Little John puts his ear to the ground then suddenly kneels up and wipes his ear.  

JOHN: Ergh! Rabbit droppings. 

ROBIN: He means he’s going to listen out for trouble. 

FRIAR: I’ve got acute hearing.

WILL: And I’ve got a cute smile.

FRIAR: I can recognise every sound in this forest. I’ll know if something’s up. Listen! There’s the sound of a flock of chaffinches flying through the treetops. 

A ‘ducks quacking’ sound effect. Tuck gives a confused look to the sound desk. 

SOUNDMAN: (Calling to stage) Have you ever tried to find a sound effect for a flock of chaffinches?

ROBIN: I’m glad you’re here actually, Fairy May. I need your help. In fact, I need everyone’s help. 

FAIRY: Ooh! Is it to assist in some kind of adventure?

ROBIN: I do have a new adventure planned as it happens.

JOHN: I wouldn’t plan it as it happens – I’d plan it in advance.

ROBIN: My new adventure is to become a husband. I’m going to propose to Maid Marian. And I want you lot to be involved . . .